Strings,ripped.

It's painful to know that everything you missed about, the past you treasured so much with that person, how you would do anything to go back to that, but the person doesn't think the same and feels better off without you. It's like you're the biggest idiot in the world. Everyone from that past has moved on, except for me. I cannot explain how much that past had made a difference and affected me and made me who I am today, but maybe it's just me at then who decided to stand there and bear the brunt of all the mess because I loved them too much and it was easier than watching them unhappy.


And sadly, this refers to a couple of people and not just one. Sometimes I don't know if I'm just plain pathetic for being one-sided more than half the time and making excuses for other people to make myself feel better.
Time to throw myself into work again. I should start looking for more.
Someday I hope, I find peace in myself.

It's nearing end of April and it's scary how fast this year has passed as well. Time seems to be flying ever since I got myself back on track in the 2nd half of 2010.

It's been 2 years, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever walk out of it. I still feel the pain, and I remember every single detail of it. And as I'm nearing 21, I'm looking back at this past 2 years - all that I've worked so hard to achieve... was the price worth it?
To trade youth, a calm happy mind, fun with friends and the ability to love others for loneliness, money and just myself with a whole lot of painful memories.

I'm my worst enemy and I know it, really. I just don't know how to live my life any other way now.

March is here, and it's slowly progressing into Mid-March. Time has been flying past yet again, this year in 2012 and it's been crazy. My worst fear has happened and now I don't really know what choice to make that everyone will be happy with.

It's just me, I like to see everyone happy, I hate to disappoint anyone and ultimately I feel a little bit of self worth every time I see myself being able to make someone happy. Recently I just gave up on a feature film job, was so worried out of my wits about facing others disappointment - but thankfully the person was quite understanding.
Whatever it is, I hope I'll be able to make the best choice and handle things the best way possible. After all to be honest, I have so many dreams to fulfill in this industry, so many things I want to accomplish and do as work consumes me everyday. No matter how much frustration, pain, stress that it brings, I know I'll never feel as whole doing something else. I've never been a risk taker, but I have been one for the past few months by doing freelance, which I can't ask for better business in my current freelance stint.

I need to remind myself, I am good enough. I can be good enough. I will be good enough. I have outgrown certain people, and I need to remember that I can't follow after someone my entire life & take all the wrong examples all the time. I feel too much and I beat myself up quite often for it. I shouldn't be responsible for every single little thing, I shouldn't have to go after cleaning up everyone in everything and being the person that fronts every shit that happens.
Need to concentrate infinity % of everything I have on work now, I can't afford to slip anymore. This is the time, my time and I may not have the same opportunities coming my way so often.

Everything else can wait, even April 14th.

Spent the whole morning (before my 11am edit), sitting in a Starbucks drinking coffee and watching two 4 year old boys prancing around. Lovely sight, but I can't say I didn't feel a little choked up as well.

Thankful for all the honesty and encouragement people have given me, and been doing a lot of thinking of late. My mind has never been more at peace than now, within this few years. Maybe it's because for once, I really don't care as much about people or things as I used to so their actions/words don't bother me as much either.
It's time to, I really think it's time.

A lot of sadness this month, and recent events has caused me to be pretty much either bitter over the past or feeling plain empty. Besides that, I don't really feel anything much anymore because as time passes, I get used to every single bad thing that happens - like it's just life.
The worst feeling is feeling like a loser when you're actually a winner.

Don't remember being happy in the longest time.

I really hate scheduling. It's worse than having shit budgets. I hate scheduling celebrity dates. It was hard enough to schedule the crew, having the same damn team do all episodes and now celebrity schedules are driving me nuts.

Oh and sidetrack - At the end of the day, I don't really fucking care if you think I'm a bitch. Sorry, my job trained me to be one. You'll learn not to waste time listening to shit/talk shit when it provides absolutely no good service to you personally in any damn way. If I have to PR my way through in personal life/any friendship outside of my damn job - then you're not worth my time.

After so many years, I guess I'm still the same.
I worry about the things I do, I worry about what people think or say of me, I get worried/frustrated far too easy - just that now all these, all of it I've translated it into my work. I worry about my work quality constantly, I feel like shit every time I realize I forgot something/didn't do something properly, I get frustrated fast and impatient, I try damn bloody hard to make every single person happy no matter whether it's clients, crew, co-workers, or even my subordinates, basically everyone happy, and in the process - sometimes, or rather often, I kill myself to accomplish that.

I have my own drive/reasons that pushes me everyday to be better, everyday to grow faster. I've never, for one single day, forgot why or what has made me as I am now. Doesn't matter how hard I work to achieve the goals that I told myself, but then again - Maybe insecurity is my worst enemy.

2012 looks hopeful with jobs lined up, and perhaps some peace finally. Snapped last night and told 2 people to fuck off and sent 3 emails scolding people for being inefficient with work and for gods sake to hurry up.

Yep, enough with being nice. No more swallowing in things and trying to settle things for people when they're supposed to do them. If it's your job, get you fucking job done - you get a pay for it. If you're unhappy because of pay or whatsoever, remember no one held a knife to your neck and force you to take the job. If you've agreed to anything, ( life in general ) you jolly well do your best. Otherwise, you disappoint others and most importantly, yourself.

Be brave with yourself, and admit when things are not yours. No amount of begging or whining and guilt tripping will be able to change the way people feel. Being stubborn is your own problem, not mine. Don't expect me to feel bad about you, I never forced you to feel that way. It just makes things worse - and no you're not a friend anymore.

After years of being a worrywart and having my days tainted with distress/emails/panic attacks from clients & work - I am not very used to how laid back life is right now. Schedule has been extremely flexible and nowadays my routine is somewhat like : Morning meeting, then a quiet sit down @ Starbucks/any coffee place, do some work on laptop, go for brunch/or shop a bit, go for yoga in the afternoon, maybe have a quiet drink in the evening, head home by 8 or so, shower up, watch a drama, read, do a bit of work, sleep by 12 latest. Sometimes I'll swop something with catching a movie myself.

Yes, the above summarizes life for the the past 2 weeks for me. I'm supposed to feel better, right? ... Right. All I feel is amplified emptiness, to be honest.
There is a difference between being blur/naive and being an idiot. You are a downright idiot.

I don't know how to explain, but I feel like my 2nd snap is coming and I might be running this time. And no, I won't look back. I won't stop.